It’s easy to see why we don’t talk about it. Historically, sex has been wrapped up in so much taboo, silence and unfair double standards. For a long time, men were practically expected to have urges they “just couldn’t control,” while uninvited comments, blurred boundaries, and outright entitlement were brushed under the carpet. People were taught to stay quiet and not “make a fuss” because of deep power imbalances and the very real fear of being judged or dismissed.
At the same time, we’ve watched a glaring double standard play out: men get a pat on the back for sexual “conquests” and high partner counts, while women who own their sexual appetite still get hit with names, slut-shaming and assumptions that they lack self-respect. Thankfully, the tide has slowly been turning. More of us are having honest chats about consent, backing each other up and actively calling out inappropriate and unacceptable behaviour.
Still, you only have to look at the recent news reports about choking becoming common during sex—especially among younger people—to realise we’ve still got a big gap to bridge. When things like choking migrate straight from porn into everyday bedrooms without anyone actually talking about it first, that’s not healthy curiosity—it’s hugely risky and it puts people in genuinely unsafe positions. When high-intensity acts happen out of the blue, the boundary between mutual fun and actual harm just disappears.
The truth is, having curiosity about kink or fetishes isn’t the problem at all. You can have absolute self-respect and deeply enjoy kinky sex, whether your tastes sit on the gentler side or further out on the more extreme end of the spectrum. The real difference comes down to the quality of the conversation:
- Talking beforehand: A real scene or fantasy doesn’t just get sprung on someone. It starts with an honest, detailed chat about what you both actually want to try and how you want it to look.
- Knowing your limits: Figuring out what’s a soft limit (a “let’s tread carefully”) and what’s a hard limit (a complete, non-negotiable “no”).
- Safe words and real respect: Having a clear agreement that if either person feels uncomfortable or calls a pause, everything stops immediately. No guilt trips, no questions asked.
- Aftercare: Taking the time afterward to check in, decompress, and make sure you’re both physically and emotionally grounded.
Everyone will have different wants and limits and just because you have a kink, it doesn’t mean you want to do it with just anyone, or at any time. Your preferences don’t define your character and they certainly don’t define your self-worth.
There is zero shame in having a preference and there’s no shame between consenting adults. But as these recent headlines show us, we can’t just rely on guesswork in the bedroom. It all starts with a respectful, honest conversation—prioritising safety, communicating clearly and never yucking someone else’s yum.
If it’s not for you, it’s not for you—and that’s completely ok too.